Some days there are no words.  

You get up, do your list and crawl back into bed.  

Maybe somedays that is enough? 

If

I don't understand all of this - I don't think it all true - but some of this is pure truth.

If
by Rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

My hope.

This quarter I am taking an acting class.  I have always been told I should be on the stage, I love performing.  The full weight of my body settles, bearing down on the pads of my feet, fully supported fully centered, fully aware - I take a deep breath originating in the pit of my stomach and I start to sing.  I am comfortable with that...most of the time.  But acting.  Acting is different.  For me, acting is totally new.  Acting forces me to try things and fail, be vulnerable, raw - exposed to every judgment, from every angle.  Some days, most days lately - I feel like I do acting class every day, all day - I try things and fail, be vulnerable, raw - exposed to everyones judgements.

I don't know anything about acting and I am learning I know a whole lot less about life then I thought.  I have a text book for acting - "16 Simple Steps to Understanding the Art of Acting," sometimes I wish I had a similar text for life.  Yet - once I read it I really won't know much more about acting.  Just like anything - I understand it by doing, experiencing, trying, and failing.  Understanding by failing is a new concept for me - but it seems lately I have been failing quite a bit in life, and acting class...

My acting textbook says this:

"Here is the secret that will make miracles happen for you as an actor:  Acting is mostly a matter of letting go -- letting go of too much effort, letting go of chronic physical tension, letting go of a false voice, letting go of your preconceptions about the work, letting go of fear, and most of all, letting go of who you already are in order to become someone new."

I kinda think the secret to making miracles happen for me, as a person, is letting go.  Letting go of my fear of being inadequate, failing, ending up alone, losing exactly what I am convinced I need. Letting go of expectations, fear of the future, the incessant need to please everyone, the obsession to fix what might just need time.

Because I think the truth really is this: I will be inadequate to some, I will fail, I will not please everyone, and I will not be able to fix somethings - but I am not letting go of hope.  And I maybe, just maybe, by letting go we create space for things to rebuild or grow or change or become something new entirely - well, at least, that is my hope.

Hold Me.

“But in the night he woke and held her tight as though she were all of life and it was being taken from him. He held her feeling she was all of life there was and it was true.”
― Ernest Hemingway

"She"

She hails from Boston
She hates the sound that goodbyes make
She loves Sundays and champagne
She can't stand the winter, she can't stand anything she can't change, she can't change
She is whatever she wants to be, she is a little of everything, mixed up, so tough in a beautiful way
She's got the world at her fingertips, she makes beauty look effortless
And I want everything she is she is she is
Oh I want everything she is
Well we talk for hours but she wrote the book on hard to get
No it don't matter what I say
I could buy her flowers but that's just too cliché to impress a girl like her but you know I kinda like it that way
She is whatever she wants to be, she is a little of everything, mixed up, so tough in a beautiful way
She's got the world at her fingertips, she makes beauty look effortless
And I want everything she is, she is, she is, she is oh she is
And all I think about and I can't do without the good, the bad, the somewhere in between
Oh because I want everything she is..
Whatever she wants to be she's a little everything, mixed up so tough, in a beautiful way
She is whatever she wants to be, she is a little of everything, mixed up, so tough in a beautiful way
She's got the world at her fingertips, she makes beauty look effortless
And I want everything she is she is she is
Cause I want everything she is she is she is cause I want everything she is she is
Oh yeah

-"She Is" by Ben Rector

Just started reading a great book, Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.  I can already tell I am going to love it.  The following passage completely resonates with me this morning:

"But I want first of all -- in fact, as an end to these other desires -- to be at peace with myself.  I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can.  I want, in fact--to barrow for the language of the saints--to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible.  I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense.  By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony."

It is just good stuff.

  

Between the shadow and the soul

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


-Pablo Neruda

p ie ce s.

Three pieces of past posts that spoke to me this morning:

“Trust in the people I love. Not trusting in them to be perfect, never mess up or always be around, but to trust in their character and the intentions they have. I am learning to trust in other people’s choices and accept that I have no control over some things. Trusting with the risk of being hurt, forgotten, or replaced. Learning that trust is a tricky thing to give, but it’s a compliment to receive.”

“Not dwelling on or missing the past, instead being thankful I was fortunate enough to be blessed with the opportunity to experience all that I have. Not worrying about the future, but placing my future in Gods hands and living the best I can each moment.”

“As the tears came uncontrollably I thought to myself, "I am crazy" I crawled out of my bed and went up the stairs. I jumped in bed with my little sister and snuggled so close to her - I thought she would push me away. But she didn't.  She simply grasped my shaking hand so tight.  And we lay there, talking about how we were ever going to get through this, I could feel love pulsing through her hand.”

One more long day of studying - and then it's time to watch the Bachelorette tonight! xo