Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My hope.

This quarter I am taking an acting class.  I have always been told I should be on the stage, I love performing.  The full weight of my body settles, bearing down on the pads of my feet, fully supported fully centered, fully aware - I take a deep breath originating in the pit of my stomach and I start to sing.  I am comfortable with that...most of the time.  But acting.  Acting is different.  For me, acting is totally new.  Acting forces me to try things and fail, be vulnerable, raw - exposed to every judgment, from every angle.  Some days, most days lately - I feel like I do acting class every day, all day - I try things and fail, be vulnerable, raw - exposed to everyones judgements.

I don't know anything about acting and I am learning I know a whole lot less about life then I thought.  I have a text book for acting - "16 Simple Steps to Understanding the Art of Acting," sometimes I wish I had a similar text for life.  Yet - once I read it I really won't know much more about acting.  Just like anything - I understand it by doing, experiencing, trying, and failing.  Understanding by failing is a new concept for me - but it seems lately I have been failing quite a bit in life, and acting class...

My acting textbook says this:

"Here is the secret that will make miracles happen for you as an actor:  Acting is mostly a matter of letting go -- letting go of too much effort, letting go of chronic physical tension, letting go of a false voice, letting go of your preconceptions about the work, letting go of fear, and most of all, letting go of who you already are in order to become someone new."

I kinda think the secret to making miracles happen for me, as a person, is letting go.  Letting go of my fear of being inadequate, failing, ending up alone, losing exactly what I am convinced I need. Letting go of expectations, fear of the future, the incessant need to please everyone, the obsession to fix what might just need time.

Because I think the truth really is this: I will be inadequate to some, I will fail, I will not please everyone, and I will not be able to fix somethings - but I am not letting go of hope.  And I maybe, just maybe, by letting go we create space for things to rebuild or grow or change or become something new entirely - well, at least, that is my hope.

1 comment:

Kati said...

love it elliot.
It feels so good when you can just let go.