Sunday, December 2, 2012


I seem to like things neat and tidy - I mean unless it is my room or car, those are always a bit of a disaster.  But in life - my career, relationships, school - I like things neat and tidy.  I like to know what is expected, the outcome, the goal, it just all seems easier that way.  Lately I have been learning that somethings, no matter how hard I try, will never be tidy. Many things will just always be uncertain - until they are not.

I don't like uncertainty.  I don't like waking up in the morning and not knowing what to expect, what to feel, what to work towards - it ties me all up - makes me confused - makes me want to shut the door and run.  I obsess about the uncertainty, try to fix it, secure it, make it safe and certain.  I try to control the situation and protect myself, over analyze.  I function much better in terms of certainty, with clear cut rules, boundaries, expectations.  

But with everyday that passes I realize how unrealistic this thinking is - life is messy, uncertain and confusing.  So instead of shutting a door, running to something more certain, I have decided to let my heart just feel what it feels.  Life has this uncanny ability to work things out - maybe once I stop trying to fix, secure, make certain - things will fall into place just as they should be.  Maybe I just need a little thicker skin, a few more heaps of patience, and a whole lot more faith in the world that is so much bigger then me.

Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

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