Its a cool, chrisp morning. I have been up since about 5:00am. just sitting in my room--looking out over the lake--watching the sun peek through the clouds. I came down stairs and my cute mother is enamored by the sunrise--drinking up the morning beauty--trying to capture it on her iphone. She has such a love for life--sometimes we laugh at her--call her crazy--but seriously--I aspire to live, love, and laugh like her.

Tomorrow is my fathers birthday--today we are celebrating! I have the recipe for his favorite molasses cookies--I am going to make them this morning. My sister and Jade are nestled upstairs. Jon is sleeping in the spare bedroom and I am up--contemplating life.

This morning I came across a blog--its raw and real. Not riddled with inspiring pictures, introspective quotes, or tales of the beauty in the little things. This blog was filled with the ugliness--pain--sadness--and suffering people feel. A suffering I could almost never imagine. This doctor is continually bombarded with calls, surgeries, amputations, and lifelessness. This kind of blog is the kind that gives me a lump in the back of my throat, makes my stomach feel heavy, and my heart achy. Umbilical chords hangout of a lady who has been in labor for days--blood dripping down her legs--only to give birth to an already lifeless baby. Patients with broken bones protruding from the dehydrated skin. This blog is written in such detail, so emotionless, so raw.

This blog shakes me up. It makes me question all that I stand for. What life do I want? I would love to be a home mother. An woman who fills my blog with inspiring pictures, quotes, recipes, life experiences, have the dreamy life. But I also do not know if that is enough. Could I live my picture life--and ignore writings of this sort?

What makes life nobel? What makes a life meaningful? I believe its loving others--making the most of the situations and opportunities God gives you. Following His plan--above all else. Yes. But what does God have in mind for me? for you? I know in whatever one does--God can be served. BUt what is my FULL potential>? What is the BIGGEST dream path God has for ME?! I feel like god wants to do BIG things with us--but how does it start? Who starts it>? Does it start with inspiring thoughts words and actions? or does it start in the dirt, muck, and hurt of the world?

P.S. A big, chunky, Turkey and its baby just meandered across my front yard. God is good and I LOVe the stillness of the mornings.

oh to be content. Why am I always wanting more? Wanting a change? Wanting adventure? Wanting something else? If I got it would I even be happy? These past few days I have been very un-content. I don't like this feeling--yet I thrive on it. I hear this song, video by India.Arie, and I like it. Im itchy for this reality. How do I live it? How. How. How. There I go--being un-content again. sheesh. I am tired.

Here's those lyrics: I recommend listening to this song.

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

Finally Back to Bangladesh.--I cant wait to go again

Last night I had a dream I was back in Bangladesh.

My heart is filled to the brim with Joy.

In my dream I saw I all my kids. I remember them so vividly. I can still feel little Ruthy hugging me so tight. Marissa was mad at me for not coming back sooner--but soon got over it when she saw the others happy. Melanie was still giggly and spoke great English. Mark was still smily, Danny was a little more rowdy. Rebecca you were absent--most likely over running around with your two long pigtails twirling in the wind--But it was so good to go back. I spoke Bangla. I remembered things I thought I had forgotten. The Joy, Love and Peace of Bangladesh flooded my soul, washed over my worries, and smoothed out my dreams. Oh Bangladesh--kids--it is so good to visit you. To remember details, to feel your chubby, clammy, baby soft arms tugging at my neck. To laugh with no inhibitions, to run on the sidewalk and have all of you tag along. My fingers were finally satisfied--for I had 10 kids holding on to each one--and 10 more clamoring to get ahold.

In my dream I said good-bye to them--promising to return...it wasn't has bad as usual--because for some reason I knew I would be back. This time I did not wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks, or to a damp pillow. This time I woke up with the Joy of remembering my kids, the Joy of spending time with them--not the sadness of leaving. For I am learning that all things will be left. There will always be good-byes. But we must savor the Hello's--the memories--the experience--just like eating a scrumptious dessert--it will eventually be gone--but I sure always remember the flavor.

This dream was a blessing. It was my much needed reminder of the love, fulfillment and contentment I feel with the Bangladesh Elliot. No need to worry about the future. No pressures. Just living, living for others and forgetting yourself. No make up, no mirrors, no worry of size, accomplishment, or composure. Living with full fledged poverty in your face. Literally hands reaching up for help--all I had to do was bend down, bend down and help that hand. Bangladesh truly has stolen my heart. More then just about anything. And even though the "American Dream" of success, wealth, and security is fighting for a piece--Im holding on tight to my Bangladeshi life.

I cant wait to get back to Bangladesh for real--but until then--I am so thankful for my dreams--and cannot wait for another.

Thank-you God for looking out for me. For pushing me. For guiding me. For loving me more then Anyone else--(thats crazy to really think about) For taking me back to Bangladesh--for letting me remember, feel, and enjoy. I love You. I need more of YOU. Help us to remember. To remember what we have learned--to remember who You are--to remember.

Love always and Forever, Your Elle

Its about YOU.

So I have not been in a real blogging mood. I have been in more of a doing mood. getting so many things done. spending some really fun times with my family. I have remembered how good it feels to be with family. Its so easy to get caught up in me. What am I going to do for a career? What am I going to become? Who am I going to spend forever with? Am I doing what God has planned for me? But seriously. Life is NOT about ME. Life is about others. Life is about God. Life is about connections, making someone feel loved, simple as they are. Live is made for living--but not living for me, myself, or I.

Yesterday I heard a wonderful sermon about embracing the awkward. Not shying away from something good or kind just because it might make you uncomfortable. I think this is what life is about. embracing those moments that you are given to make a difference--to care about someone who needs it--to include someone who is alone--to love someone, who is flawed and damaged.

Yes. These are great thoughts. These words roll off the tongue easily. but they are nothing--simply words and thoughts--I need to make action. Not just inspiring words--but habitual habits. God please give me the strength to turn inspiring words and thoughts into action, practice, and habit.