ouch.

My heart physically hurts. I had little Ruthy in my arms. I could feel her squeezing me so tight, nuzzling her head into my shoulder--her little body entangled around me. she is a little bigger,but just as bright-eyed. I was there. I could feel the heat, I could feel the happiness welling up inside of me.

But then I felt something wet slide down my face--a tear. I looked into little Ruthy's eyes, over at Banni Boo--I tried to stay. I tried to make it real. But I woke up here. on the couch. with tears on my pillow and no Ruthy in my arms. I miss it. I miss my kids. All of the sweet faces: Moonie, Rebecca, Mark, Amy, Karissa, Bristy, I miss them all. My friends. My second home. My second family. I am homesick for Bangladesh. SO homesick.

SO homesick that I find myself moping around my own real home--similar to when I first arrived in Bangladesh. I dont know why its hitting now...maybe because this is the first time since I have been back that I have really slowed down? I dont know. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me--but now I have. Thank-YOU God for the insight.

Sometimes we push aside emotions. We push them under instead of letting them well up. I never thought I would long for a place other then my home. I never thought Bangladesh would become a place I loved--or a place that would steal my heart. I thought someone said it would stop hurting--that I would get my heart back. But I dont think I will.I thought it was fading my love for Bangldesh. Like a past lover, you will always love, but have to let go of. It feels so good to feel, but its hard to deal. I want two worlds so bad. heart over head? Head over heart? no. God over me.

God are you trying to tell me something that I just dont want to hear? Or am I worrying and not trusting and labeling it as God? Is it just perfect? Or is it just wrong because its so right? Why am I confused? God I need some clarity. please.

This summer has been okay.

I have learned so much and we are only on week three. I have learned two new things about myself:

1. I love to be needed:

I have always been a very independent person. Ask any of my friends--I am very independent--sometimes to a fault. But I have recently realized that although I am independent--I am also dependent. I am dependent on need. I like to feel needed, maybe because I seem to be happiest when I am helping others. When I was little I would always help my sister--Help her pick out her outfits, help her learn how to put on that fickle eyeliner, fix her straight beautiful hair. I was her shoulder to cry on, every night she would come cuddle up in my bed and sleep with me. But now she is growing up. She no longer needs my help getting ready--instead I find myslef asking her for styling tips! (she is THE cutest thing!). SHe has her independence--she can drive, a boyfriend--her new shoulder, new friends. I am NOT needed as I used to be--and that I somewhat annoying and saddening. Now she no longer needs a helper or mentor--she needs a friend and example.

Another example: I LOVE BANGLADESH! But there I was also needed. Being needed gives me a since of purpose, I am filling a role that needs to be filled. I am using my gifts to help someone in NEED. feeling needed, as terrible as it sounds, kind of makes me happy. Is this a normal feeling? Is that healthy? I don't know. I am working on learning how to feel okay without being needed in the same ways, and recognizing how I am needed. Does God NEED me? Or is HE just willing to use me?

2. I like to problem solve, fix, look for change, and repair problems.

This is a good thing you might be thinking--and sometimes it is--But for me is it sometimes a huge problem. I have realized that sometimes when I feel things are going too good, I look for a problem to fix. I sometimes sabotage myself, people I love, and relationships by simple ALWAYs needing to fix, "grow," or better something. I am a person who does not like to do anything 1/2 way. When I do something I like to be 150%. To do my BEST. But where is the line? Where do I stop and say, "thats good enough?" I don't know where that line is. and who knows maybe this is not really a problem but I just want something to fix? Oh wait--that would mean I am creating a problem to fix a problem that I don't really have-- So it is a problem! :) To anyone that I have hurt by always looking for something to fix or solve. I am sorry. It seems the root of this problem comes from over thinking and over analyzing things. I want to learn how to let go and let GOD. oh boy is that hard sometimes.

God Please teach me YOUR ways. Mine are lame and I want to want what YOU want.

Last up date:

I am starting somethings new for this summer--a summer detox. My aunt Heidi introduced it to me and its based on a book called "Fat Flush for Life"--yeah extremely cheesy I know! But I have done some research, looked through the book and it looks really good and helpful. I want to do it to learn how and what to eat for a more healthy diet. Somethings in the book are crazy...but some are really good! I am not really changing much--just cutting out unhealthy things and replacing them with healthy. I have started using things like Flax Seed Oil, Chia seeds, unsweetened pure cranberry juice, lots of fresh produce and have thrown out anything over processed, super salty, with high fructose corn syrup or MSG. Oh yeah and I have to drink 64oz. of fresh pressed cranberry juice UNSWEETENED mixed with water! Cranberry juice unsweetened straight is THE most bitter drink I have EVER had! Good thing we get to dilute it in water! We will see how it goes. I am going to do it for three weeks--!

Phew. It feels great to blog a bit. Just for my own sake.

Thanks God for loving ME right where I am. Keep working on me, I love YOU.

WOW.

So it is officially my second day of summer and I need to start planning what I am going to do with myself!

My plans for this morning were going to include unloading my car--and putting away all my dorm stuff. But when I woke up I found my mom and sister both gone--and Mitchee has my car keys in HER car!! Oh boy.

Tonight I think we are going out to the lake and spending sometime out there. Blake is 16, has a new car, and we are going to celebrate his birthday tomorrow! IT should be lots of fun! Tonight I want to have a sleepover with my cousins, aunts, family and friends! O summer is fun! I have also been browsing some blogs and here are some interesting and cool things I have come across!

THE CLINIC.--You must look at this website. It takes a minute to load. But wow. CHeck it out.

(from http://ohhellofriend.blogspot.com/)

I think it would be cool to own one of these! A table top press--just seem like it would be lots of fun!!

(found: http://thebrightsideproject.com/)

{please visit cinnamon sticks here}

I think this custom made jewelry is just SO cool! I especially love the stackable rings! Too bad I found them AFTER mothers-day! I think my mom would have loved them!

God is SO good! I cannot believe I got through that last quarter...so many things happened and God gave me HIS peace that passes all understanding. Thank-YOU God for getting me through...All my grades, fun, and memories created, tears, learning and growing--all are in thanks to YOU. I love YOU.

modified Email Forward. :)

Don't take life so seriously! DANCE KISS A LOT! HAVE FUN

AND BE HAPPY!!!!

You hang in there sunshine, you're special Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back. Today's Message of the Day is: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile..

Thank-You for doing something.

My plan was to go to bed early. I got all tucked into bed--and then I heard it. The pulsating thud of popular songs--ones I would normally love, but tonight, were just annoying. Its dead week here at WWU, meaning finals are next week. THis week is full of endless cramming and studying, preparing for the end of the quarter. SO ASWU works to liven things up and tonight we had bed races.

On top of all this there is a campaign against the lack of communication WWU administration has had with students and faculty regarding internet filtering. A group of people have organized a peaceful protest outside the Ad building. It is wonderful to see WWU standing up for something. People are camping out and have painted signs. I will be joining them tomorrow. I love seeing people stand up for something they believe in. My dad has always told me its better to do SOMETHING even if it turns out wrong, then to live your life doing nothing at all... My dad is very wise. (pictures to come) :)