I have learned so much and we are only on week three. I have learned two new things about myself:
1. I love to be needed:
I have always been a very independent person. Ask any of my friends--I am very independent--sometimes to a fault. But I have recently realized that although I am independent--I am also dependent. I am dependent on need. I like to feel needed, maybe because I seem to be happiest when I am helping others. When I was little I would always help my sister--Help her pick out her outfits, help her learn how to put on that fickle eyeliner, fix her straight beautiful hair. I was her shoulder to cry on, every night she would come cuddle up in my bed and sleep with me. But now she is growing up. She no longer needs my help getting ready--instead I find myslef asking her for styling tips! (she is THE cutest thing!). SHe has her independence--she can drive, a boyfriend--her new shoulder, new friends. I am NOT needed as I used to be--and that I somewhat annoying and saddening. Now she no longer needs a helper or mentor--she needs a friend and example.
Another example: I LOVE BANGLADESH! But there I was also needed. Being needed gives me a since of purpose, I am filling a role that needs to be filled. I am using my gifts to help someone in NEED. feeling needed, as terrible as it sounds, kind of makes me happy. Is this a normal feeling? Is that healthy? I don't know. I am working on learning how to feel okay without being needed in the same ways, and recognizing how I am needed. Does God NEED me? Or is HE just willing to use me?
2. I like to problem solve, fix, look for change, and repair problems.
This is a good thing you might be thinking--and sometimes it is--But for me is it sometimes a huge problem. I have realized that sometimes when I feel things are going too good, I look for a problem to fix. I sometimes sabotage myself, people I love, and relationships by simple ALWAYs needing to fix, "grow," or better something. I am a person who does not like to do anything 1/2 way. When I do something I like to be 150%. To do my BEST. But where is the line? Where do I stop and say, "thats good enough?" I don't know where that line is. and who knows maybe this is not really a problem but I just want something to fix? Oh wait--that would mean I am creating a problem to fix a problem that I don't really have-- So it is a problem! :) To anyone that I have hurt by always looking for something to fix or solve. I am sorry. It seems the root of this problem comes from over thinking and over analyzing things. I want to learn how to let go and let GOD. oh boy is that hard sometimes.
God Please teach me YOUR ways. Mine are lame and I want to want what YOU want.
Last up date:
I am starting somethings new for this summer--a summer detox. My aunt Heidi introduced it to me and its based on a book called "Fat Flush for Life"--yeah extremely cheesy I know! But I have done some research, looked through the book and it looks really good and helpful. I want to do it to learn how and what to eat for a more healthy diet. Somethings in the book are crazy...but some are really good! I am not really changing much--just cutting out unhealthy things and replacing them with healthy. I have started using things like Flax Seed Oil, Chia seeds, unsweetened pure cranberry juice, lots of fresh produce and have thrown out anything over processed, super salty, with high fructose corn syrup or MSG. Oh yeah and I have to drink 64oz. of fresh pressed cranberry juice UNSWEETENED mixed with water! Cranberry juice unsweetened straight is THE most bitter drink I have EVER had! Good thing we get to dilute it in water! We will see how it goes. I am going to do it for three weeks--!
Phew. It feels great to blog a bit. Just for my own sake.
Thanks God for loving ME right where I am. Keep working on me, I love YOU.