Tuesday, June 29, 2010


My heart physically hurts. I had little Ruthy in my arms. I could feel her squeezing me so tight, nuzzling her head into my shoulder--her little body entangled around me. she is a little bigger,but just as bright-eyed. I was there. I could feel the heat, I could feel the happiness welling up inside of me.

But then I felt something wet slide down my face--a tear. I looked into little Ruthy's eyes, over at Banni Boo--I tried to stay. I tried to make it real. But I woke up here. on the couch. with tears on my pillow and no Ruthy in my arms. I miss it. I miss my kids. All of the sweet faces: Moonie, Rebecca, Mark, Amy, Karissa, Bristy, I miss them all. My friends. My second home. My second family. I am homesick for Bangladesh. SO homesick.

SO homesick that I find myself moping around my own real home--similar to when I first arrived in Bangladesh. I dont know why its hitting now...maybe because this is the first time since I have been back that I have really slowed down? I dont know. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me--but now I have. Thank-YOU God for the insight.

Sometimes we push aside emotions. We push them under instead of letting them well up. I never thought I would long for a place other then my home. I never thought Bangladesh would become a place I loved--or a place that would steal my heart. I thought someone said it would stop hurting--that I would get my heart back. But I dont think I will.I thought it was fading my love for Bangldesh. Like a past lover, you will always love, but have to let go of. It feels so good to feel, but its hard to deal. I want two worlds so bad. heart over head? Head over heart? no. God over me.


janet said...

Oh girl, I know why your heart hurts...just look at that smiley Ruth hugging you for all she is worth. She needs your hug and you need hers. It is cuz you gave your whole heart to those kids there. It is because you loved well! So your hurt is cuz of a heart of compassion. It will subside. But in the meantime let yourself miss those sweet arms and faces! And you will go back..I know you will.

Tina said...

I want to see you and talk very soon! I miss you friend! Love you!