ouch.

My heart physically hurts. I had little Ruthy in my arms. I could feel her squeezing me so tight, nuzzling her head into my shoulder--her little body entangled around me. she is a little bigger,but just as bright-eyed. I was there. I could feel the heat, I could feel the happiness welling up inside of me.

But then I felt something wet slide down my face--a tear. I looked into little Ruthy's eyes, over at Banni Boo--I tried to stay. I tried to make it real. But I woke up here. on the couch. with tears on my pillow and no Ruthy in my arms. I miss it. I miss my kids. All of the sweet faces: Moonie, Rebecca, Mark, Amy, Karissa, Bristy, I miss them all. My friends. My second home. My second family. I am homesick for Bangladesh. SO homesick.

SO homesick that I find myself moping around my own real home--similar to when I first arrived in Bangladesh. I dont know why its hitting now...maybe because this is the first time since I have been back that I have really slowed down? I dont know. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me--but now I have. Thank-YOU God for the insight.

Sometimes we push aside emotions. We push them under instead of letting them well up. I never thought I would long for a place other then my home. I never thought Bangladesh would become a place I loved--or a place that would steal my heart. I thought someone said it would stop hurting--that I would get my heart back. But I dont think I will.I thought it was fading my love for Bangldesh. Like a past lover, you will always love, but have to let go of. It feels so good to feel, but its hard to deal. I want two worlds so bad. heart over head? Head over heart? no. God over me.