Its a cool, chrisp morning. I have been up since about 5:00am. just sitting in my room--looking out over the lake--watching the sun peek through the clouds. I came down stairs and my cute mother is enamored by the sunrise--drinking up the morning beauty--trying to capture it on her iphone. She has such a love for life--sometimes we laugh at her--call her crazy--but seriously--I aspire to live, love, and laugh like her.

Tomorrow is my fathers birthday--today we are celebrating! I have the recipe for his favorite molasses cookies--I am going to make them this morning. My sister and Jade are nestled upstairs. Jon is sleeping in the spare bedroom and I am up--contemplating life.

This morning I came across a blog--its raw and real. Not riddled with inspiring pictures, introspective quotes, or tales of the beauty in the little things. This blog was filled with the ugliness--pain--sadness--and suffering people feel. A suffering I could almost never imagine. This doctor is continually bombarded with calls, surgeries, amputations, and lifelessness. This kind of blog is the kind that gives me a lump in the back of my throat, makes my stomach feel heavy, and my heart achy. Umbilical chords hangout of a lady who has been in labor for days--blood dripping down her legs--only to give birth to an already lifeless baby. Patients with broken bones protruding from the dehydrated skin. This blog is written in such detail, so emotionless, so raw.

This blog shakes me up. It makes me question all that I stand for. What life do I want? I would love to be a home mother. An woman who fills my blog with inspiring pictures, quotes, recipes, life experiences, have the dreamy life. But I also do not know if that is enough. Could I live my picture life--and ignore writings of this sort?

What makes life nobel? What makes a life meaningful? I believe its loving others--making the most of the situations and opportunities God gives you. Following His plan--above all else. Yes. But what does God have in mind for me? for you? I know in whatever one does--God can be served. BUt what is my FULL potential>? What is the BIGGEST dream path God has for ME?! I feel like god wants to do BIG things with us--but how does it start? Who starts it>? Does it start with inspiring thoughts words and actions? or does it start in the dirt, muck, and hurt of the world?

P.S. A big, chunky, Turkey and its baby just meandered across my front yard. God is good and I LOVe the stillness of the mornings.

oh to be content. Why am I always wanting more? Wanting a change? Wanting adventure? Wanting something else? If I got it would I even be happy? These past few days I have been very un-content. I don't like this feeling--yet I thrive on it. I hear this song, video by India.Arie, and I like it. Im itchy for this reality. How do I live it? How. How. How. There I go--being un-content again. sheesh. I am tired.

Here's those lyrics: I recommend listening to this song.

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

Finally Back to Bangladesh.--I cant wait to go again

Last night I had a dream I was back in Bangladesh.

My heart is filled to the brim with Joy.

In my dream I saw I all my kids. I remember them so vividly. I can still feel little Ruthy hugging me so tight. Marissa was mad at me for not coming back sooner--but soon got over it when she saw the others happy. Melanie was still giggly and spoke great English. Mark was still smily, Danny was a little more rowdy. Rebecca you were absent--most likely over running around with your two long pigtails twirling in the wind--But it was so good to go back. I spoke Bangla. I remembered things I thought I had forgotten. The Joy, Love and Peace of Bangladesh flooded my soul, washed over my worries, and smoothed out my dreams. Oh Bangladesh--kids--it is so good to visit you. To remember details, to feel your chubby, clammy, baby soft arms tugging at my neck. To laugh with no inhibitions, to run on the sidewalk and have all of you tag along. My fingers were finally satisfied--for I had 10 kids holding on to each one--and 10 more clamoring to get ahold.

In my dream I said good-bye to them--promising to return...it wasn't has bad as usual--because for some reason I knew I would be back. This time I did not wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks, or to a damp pillow. This time I woke up with the Joy of remembering my kids, the Joy of spending time with them--not the sadness of leaving. For I am learning that all things will be left. There will always be good-byes. But we must savor the Hello's--the memories--the experience--just like eating a scrumptious dessert--it will eventually be gone--but I sure always remember the flavor.

This dream was a blessing. It was my much needed reminder of the love, fulfillment and contentment I feel with the Bangladesh Elliot. No need to worry about the future. No pressures. Just living, living for others and forgetting yourself. No make up, no mirrors, no worry of size, accomplishment, or composure. Living with full fledged poverty in your face. Literally hands reaching up for help--all I had to do was bend down, bend down and help that hand. Bangladesh truly has stolen my heart. More then just about anything. And even though the "American Dream" of success, wealth, and security is fighting for a piece--Im holding on tight to my Bangladeshi life.

I cant wait to get back to Bangladesh for real--but until then--I am so thankful for my dreams--and cannot wait for another.

Thank-you God for looking out for me. For pushing me. For guiding me. For loving me more then Anyone else--(thats crazy to really think about) For taking me back to Bangladesh--for letting me remember, feel, and enjoy. I love You. I need more of YOU. Help us to remember. To remember what we have learned--to remember who You are--to remember.

Love always and Forever, Your Elle

Its about YOU.

So I have not been in a real blogging mood. I have been in more of a doing mood. getting so many things done. spending some really fun times with my family. I have remembered how good it feels to be with family. Its so easy to get caught up in me. What am I going to do for a career? What am I going to become? Who am I going to spend forever with? Am I doing what God has planned for me? But seriously. Life is NOT about ME. Life is about others. Life is about God. Life is about connections, making someone feel loved, simple as they are. Live is made for living--but not living for me, myself, or I.

Yesterday I heard a wonderful sermon about embracing the awkward. Not shying away from something good or kind just because it might make you uncomfortable. I think this is what life is about. embracing those moments that you are given to make a difference--to care about someone who needs it--to include someone who is alone--to love someone, who is flawed and damaged.

Yes. These are great thoughts. These words roll off the tongue easily. but they are nothing--simply words and thoughts--I need to make action. Not just inspiring words--but habitual habits. God please give me the strength to turn inspiring words and thoughts into action, practice, and habit.

hello

Man I have not blogged in quite a while. I have been very busy enjoying life. Its a full time thing. he he. I was in the San Juan Islands all last week, crewing on a 56 foot yacht. It was an amazing, beautiful, fun filled time. This week I am with my family vacationing, doing some school shopping, and not at a family reunion! I am so blessed. and later today a special someone is coming to hangout with me! I am very excited! Here are some other things I am excited about:

A new "instant camera"!

(http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=17140518&itemdescription=true&navAction=jump)

I want to make one of these:

Also, We are staying at Mt. Bachelor Resort and today I get to spend time with most of my amazing family!

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain

Im about to be 20--(wow I feel old)--I dont feel this way yet--and in 20 years I still dont want to feel this way. God help me to live your life. To take risks, to love more, give more, and care more.

Fashion.

I love all things artsy. I love the feel of a textured, heavy weight, printed paper. I love to sew, craft, mix and match, create and dream. I spend my mornings analyzing design and fashion blogs. Grabbing pictures I love, and hurrying over ones that just dont work.--it is simply inspiring, thought provoking and fun for me. Here are some of the fashions, designs, and things I enjoy.

(Garance Dore')

(somethingshidinginhere.blogspot.com)

(unknown)

(Garance Dore')

(www.sfgirlbybay.com)

(All pictures from http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/--unless noted)

Count the Little things.

10 Good things about this week already:

1. I got to pick blue berries--they are oh SO good. I have eaten bowls full already.

2. I wake up to the beautiful lake glistening outside my window.

3. I believe in a God who wants the best for me--and loves ME just how I am.

4. I got to spend an extra day with a very special person.

5. I am working on a new project--its a secret.

6. I have a wonderful family.

7. My grade school friend from Tennessee is coming to town today.

8. I am learning SO much about myself.

9. I got to pa rouse over design blogs this morning.

10. I have started formulating a few plans for my future--and its pretty exciting :)!

mmmm.

Somedays all is perfect. Things fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Then the next day I wonder, I over think, I worry. How will I ever know for 100% sure? Will I be happy doing that? Will I be happy being this? Or should I fall for that? Is there really something not right? Or aM I just over thinking? Is life really as easy as it seems to be--or am I getting tricked. deceived. confused. Do I have too much time of doing nothing--that my rain starts over analyzing everything? Am I wanting a problem to have to deal with? Who knows. God knows. SO please God--tell me.

ouch.

My heart physically hurts. I had little Ruthy in my arms. I could feel her squeezing me so tight, nuzzling her head into my shoulder--her little body entangled around me. she is a little bigger,but just as bright-eyed. I was there. I could feel the heat, I could feel the happiness welling up inside of me.

But then I felt something wet slide down my face--a tear. I looked into little Ruthy's eyes, over at Banni Boo--I tried to stay. I tried to make it real. But I woke up here. on the couch. with tears on my pillow and no Ruthy in my arms. I miss it. I miss my kids. All of the sweet faces: Moonie, Rebecca, Mark, Amy, Karissa, Bristy, I miss them all. My friends. My second home. My second family. I am homesick for Bangladesh. SO homesick.

SO homesick that I find myself moping around my own real home--similar to when I first arrived in Bangladesh. I dont know why its hitting now...maybe because this is the first time since I have been back that I have really slowed down? I dont know. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me--but now I have. Thank-YOU God for the insight.

Sometimes we push aside emotions. We push them under instead of letting them well up. I never thought I would long for a place other then my home. I never thought Bangladesh would become a place I loved--or a place that would steal my heart. I thought someone said it would stop hurting--that I would get my heart back. But I dont think I will.I thought it was fading my love for Bangldesh. Like a past lover, you will always love, but have to let go of. It feels so good to feel, but its hard to deal. I want two worlds so bad. heart over head? Head over heart? no. God over me.